A Conditional Offer

List your house with us. If it doesn’t sell we’ll buy it.*

We’re seeing more of this sort of offer these days. Billboards bigger than Amherstview. And boy, it sound great, doesn’t it? The certainty of knowing that when the contract is signed, your house is sold, one way or another. Barbados here you come.

Well good for you. We’re thrilled. And some of time, I’m sure it’s just that easy. But we pulled over side of the road, all jacked up on decaf and lunar eclipses, and scanned some of the small print in one particular ad, the stuff attached to that pesky asterisk. And here’s what it said:

* Yes, of course we meant it, and yes we’ll buy your house. It’s just that it has to be for a predetermined price, or $6, whichever is less. Let’s sit around the table and talk about this; we’ll figure out something fair for all of us. You like wine?

* We’ll need a distant closing date so that if this backfires I can sell the house to someone else, before I even properly own it and before I’ve laid out a cent. It’s called assignment. Totally above-board. I’ll explain how it works. You understand this is just business, right?

* Along the same lines, if we agree to buy the house, you agree not to get it dirty while we try to sell it to someone else before we actually have to pay for the place, because $6 is still $6. You might have to get a cleaner in.  My son has a cleaning place. I’ve got his card here somewhere. And you’ll need to fix the loose boards in that deck. I almost broke my damned ankle. Good thing I’m not a litigious guy. I know that lumber’s up a bit these days, I agree, yeah, but what isn’t, you know?

* You realize I can’t really afford to make this promise, right? Unless you actually agree to the $6 above. Course I wasn’t joking. You think I’m made of money? This is serious business. So we have to set an artificially low price to begin with, right? Oh, your house will sell alright, or my name’s not really Billy Buyback. No worries, mate. More wine?

* We may not use Canadian currency to pay you. This is not the only game we’re running after all. We may need to pay with roubles. Or Monopoly money. Whatever we have in the trunk of the car (which is always running, it’s a preparedness thing). And we set the exchange rate. No, of course it’s fair, I’ve got my calculator in the car, I’ll show you the math. It’s solar-powered but as long as it’s a sunny day (which it always I when I’m around, you know?). Here, let me open another box of the cold stuff for you.

* Did I say buy? I meant Bye. I know, funny stuff, I love puns. Love ‘em. But see, I had a closer look at the place and I’ve got to tell you I’m less keen. Have you ever had anyone in to look at that crack? I can recommend someone if you like. Buddy of mine. Did I say, Buddy. I meant brother-in-law. Just want to be up-front with you. Good guy. Would I steer you wrong? He’s a lawyer too. Part-time. Had a look at this ad for me, didn’t he? Gave it the once-over, the all-clear, the big thumbs-up, so we’re good, you hear?

* Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.